Just Tired of It All

This morning I go to Blogger to moderate some replies that came in overnight, and find over 100 messages in the pending queue awaiting moderation going back a year or more that I was never notified of. The majority of them were spam, many not even in English, and were marked as such and deleted. A few were angry letters that were anti-McDougall, pro-other eating plans that were not WFPB no added S-O-S. There were even fewer from people who accused me of being too angry, too strict, too lenient, or other complaints. They, too, were deleted. The rest were approved and posted on the posts they were replies to, one from about 4 years ago. Funny thing is, I'm on the Blogger site at least once a week and I swear those old messages were not there. 

I had my opthalmologist appoint the other day, the one that had to be cancelled when I had the bronchitis back in April. I've had some weirdness in my vision going on for about a week and he said it sounded like migraine auras, but he said they shouldn't be happening every day, as mine are. But I told him  these look nothing like I've seen migraine auras depicted on Google Images or how my husband describes his own migraine auras. And I have no history of migraines, although my son does since early childhood. He admitted it would be strange to start getting them at this late stage of the game, and I reminded him my husband was in his late 50's when he got his first migraine aura. Each and every morning when I wake up, the top and bottom of my field of vision appear to vibrate or flicker, like an old time movie projector, for anywhere from 1 to 10 minutes. He asked about aspirin use, my blood pressure, and when I last saw my primary care doc for a check-up, and I told him I take a daily low-dose aspirin tablet, my BP is being controlled by low-dose fosinopril and stays around 110/60 to 130/80, depending on time of day and how stressed out I am, and I told him all about last month's doctor visit and lab results. He has no clue what else it could be besides the auras. If it turns out not to be migraine auras (scintillating scotoma is the official medical term), it may be something related to my auto-immune disease or something else, to keep an eye on it, and if it gets worse, go back to my primary care doc and see what he wants to do, maybe an MRI and a neuro consultation. Thanks, Doc. This is the guy who diagnosed my auto-immune problems and said to have my primary doc run the slew of tests. He's a very smart guy, in business 40 years now, and knows more than any other eye doc I had ever been to. If he doesn't know, I'm doomed!

Tomorrow is my dentist appointment, something else that was cancelled when I was still coughing. So it's 7 months check-up instead of 6 - he'll understand.

BTW, I still get laryngitis. That cough really did a number on my vocal cords. I may wind up at the ENT doc for this if it keeps up much longer.

A few days ago, Ginnie Messina's latest book, Even Vegans Die, was mentioned in the McDougall forums in a thread about Denise Minger. Back before I McDougalled I was already eating veg and had belonged to the Vegetarian Resource Group and got their magazine, and she was a steady contributor. I liked her recipes and read many of her books. Because she doesn't believe in being as low fat as Dr. McD does, I stopped reading her works years ago and also let my membership to the VRG drop. But her latest book does look interesting. I always felt like such a failure on the McD (and other WFPB) forums because I do everything according to plan and still get sick, still am not at a so-called "healthy" weight. She touches on all of these things in the book, according to the descriptions of it. I look forward to reading it. Hey, I'm in my mid-60's - time to think about the finish line, now that the race is almost over. My husband and I already revised our wills, powers of attorney, and DNR forms after his CABG surgery, and all 3 of us know where all the important papers are, who to call, and what to do in the even one of both of us do die suddenly. The only relative who needs to get notified (outside of our son, of course) is my brother. Everyone, even WFPB SOS-free vegans, die.

I may stop writing this blog. The only things besides medical updates have been links to videos. I haven't tried any new recipes in ages, because not only do I have a lot of food restrictions right now (gluten-free, nightshade-free, or at least greatly reduced, as well as WFPB no added S-O-S), but I'm just too tired to play around with complex recipes. I've been making a lot of rice or sweet potato and veg meals and add a sauce or gravy to go with it, like one of Chef AJ's, Mary McDougall's, or an Esselstyn one. On a bad day I just shake a little coconut aminos, watered down Bragg's, or nooch on top. My tastebuds still aren't 100%, and some foods I used to love before, like pea soup or carrots, just taste weird to me now. And even with eating cleaner, lighter, and less total calories, my weight is slowly creeping up again, regaining the pounds lost when sick.

We even stopped discussing a possible move back to Florida - it's just too much trouble to pack everything up again, move it all 1200 miles again, find an affordable place to live again, set up a new apartment or house again, and find all new doctors, barbers, stores, new job for our son, etc. again. We know that unless the owner sells this house (He has no plans to do so, as far as I know.), this is where we will be living when we die, and it's just so darn depressing to think that, but it's easier than moving, even if we do have to walk up three flights of stairs and go through winters being trapped in the house because of 3 feet of snow and 5-degree temps (with negative degree wind chills).

I'm just tired of it all.